Conversare – an experience of being in, or knowing about, ‘The dance of conversation’ and why this matters

Conversare – named from the Latin con versare – to turn or to dance together  is social gatherings in public places in which everybody present engages in conversation, in pairs of ‘strangers’ – people who have not previously met – over a meal.  Which may last for an hour or more.

In the hands of a skilled host who welcomes everyone – the right people to be present – and spells out the procedure for this seemingly unusual kind of get together.

Which, once experienced, participants invariably report this to be an enjoyable and ‘wholesome’ kind of being together.

Why may this be?

For starters,  sitting – or standing – and talking is at the core of being connected to each other. Beginning with our early and ongoing family life. Also with our schooling and later educational and work pursuits. And in our ‘out of hours’ social, sporting, hobbies … activities.

And yet, quite strangely, many of us receive no specific training in the art of conversation. 🙁  How to engage carefully and respectfully with others in a way that we contribute both by speaking and listening carefully. Not trying to dominate and being aware of what ‘the other’ is feeling in the moment.

Conversare (see here for a description of what this) is one way of providing an experience of engaging in conversation in which participants interact with each other based on  mutual respect and not trying to dominate or impress.

For the host suggests that the kind of questions to explore, in pairs, are ‘What attracts you to be here’, ‘who are you’, ‘what brings you joy in life, and what brings you pain’?

Can you imagine how much pleasure could be experienced by the participants in such an event? For you may learn much about ‘the other’ – and about yourself in spending time on these kind of questions.

And go away feeling delighted at what you have learned. Not least that, no matter how different  are your views on particular maters, you recognise and are aware of your common humanity.

 

As you would likely suspect, this way of being together has a history, both as a ‘happening’ and being based on fundamental ideas on how to treat each other well. And what can happen when we all, each of us, does this.

Briefly,  its particular history . Which started when I was living happily in Hong Kong for six years until returning to Adelaide in 2011. With skills in facilitating group processes in which organisations address  and resolve complex issues. ‘Somehow’  I had the idea of experimenting with being a facilitator/host of gatherings in which people ‘address’ each other, in pairs. 

And found, to my delight and that of many who participated in this novel way of being together, got ‘right into’ it. Feedback was invariably highly positive, as were requests to keep going.  Which many people coming back for more. See this comment from an early participant:

“great concept indeed … think you just hit it right at bull’s eyes … long
wished for in the recess of our minds but not quite realised or voiced!”
Velda K

(For feedback from events held all around our little planet, 3rd from the sun see here). 

Which led me to get it going in Adelaide in the CBD (Central Business District) when living back here.  With ‘mixed’ success in particular places, according to who was the manager of these.  Some really ‘got it’ which meant that there were lively gatherings. Other less so.

Which means that several new venues are now under consideration in a community minded suburb,  with every prospect of getting going in this place in the near future.  Watch this space.  With the added prospect of providing training for young people who have expressed keenness to learn the skill of hosting.

 

A second component of the underpinning  of this novel way  of being together is my meeting with two ‘remarkable people’ who had ideas similar to mine about the vital ‘wholesomeness’ of treating each other well as a way of being in the world.

One was Pete Seeger, the well  known folk singer. Who I met in person, at his home in upstate New York and at his invitation, arising from my noticing his statement that:

“Participation is the future of the human race. Participation in family life, participation in politics. Participation will save us, if we are saved.” See here for an account of this wondrous encounter.

The other was Heinz von Foerster, who I also met at his home, in California. While he is not as well known to the public he is greatly admired by many people the world over for statements such as talking to each other is like being in a dance.  And much besides as a groundbreaking researcher while living a bold and caring humanitarian. He has said, and written:

Q: How can someone in the everyday world see this most easily, this dance metaphor? In poetry?

A: I think it is played out in every way that anybody talks to each other. If I buy a ticket for the movie, I have a conversation with the lady behind the window. And I smile, and she smiles back. And we have become friends for two seconds. And we have contacted another human being. And this is probably what makes some people a little bit queasy about me. This is my personal fun which I have in life, to contact other people in such a way that the other is taking notice of me.

You know my funny statement, the hearer and not the speaker determines the meaning of an utterance. And if you know that, then you need to determine how you must speak so that the hearer is dancing with you.

 

And so here are two actions for you to bear in mind – for your own benefit and that of the people who you meet in the course of your everyday life. Likely a contribution to all of our humanity…

. Be a participant, not just an observer. Given that you are a human being and no matter whatever ‘knocks’ you have experience in life you are a person of worth.

Take the initiative in making contact with those you happen to meet.  And others for whom you make it your business to meet.  For there are so many of us nowadays who don’t do this. Which means self imposed loneliness. So sad.

. Start to become increasingly aware that talking is like being in a dance.

Adding to this thread are two ways of considering why we contribute to the wellbeing of all of us.

“I once said, rather fancifully but it is something I believe, that the central arena in history is one human being talking to another. And listening, of course. That’s exchange.”
Athol Fugard, South African playwright

How’s these  for lovely thoughts?

That every time you take the initiative to talk to someone you are creating history!

And the more respectfully and carefully you do this the better we all will be.

For:

Our conversations            Intelligence is a property

shape who we                                            of conversing;

become.                                                                          the intelligence

We          ‘ … the secret sits in the middle,                 of the

grow                   and knows.’                                Open space is

as we notice,                                                   a property of the

participate, initiate                   conversational dance

and flow, together.      happening there.

Looking forward, indeed.  

Al  

Al (formerly Alan) Stewart, PhD
Process Artist
Facilitator of conversations that matter and participatory fun

Senior Fulbright Scholar

Blog:  www.conversare.net

Member:  American Society for Cybernetics

Member: National Trouble Makers Union     <smile>

Residence: Adelaide, South Australia, since 1975
With time away in the USA (1981) and Hong Kong (2005-2011)  

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“We are in this together to treat each other well.
Whenever we treat each other well good things happen.”
Al Stewart