Conversare – an experience of treating anyone we meet with respect

Do we treat people with respect to produce a desired result? Hopefully not! We do this as a way of being in which we recognise the intrinsic value of everyone we encounter.

And to keep in mind that whenever we treat someone  well something good happens.

When I mention this to people they usually agree, sometimes with a proviso of “Yes, but …”

I put it to you that this always happens! See for yourself by doing. <smile>

Here are examples of what the ‘good’ could be:

 

 

 

 

 

 With acknowledgments to Michael Leunig, much loved and admired Australian cartoonist

Can  you see others possibilities in a similar vein? A couple which come to my mind are ‘The start of a friendship’ and ‘The appreciated reassurance.’

You may also become more aware of how, in your past, a new way of thinking was sparked by a particular conversation – and of how recognising this reveals how central engaging in conversing is to ‘one thing leads to another.’

For when nice things happen, we can always find good human relations behind them.

This applies to our everyday lives, in which there are many opportunities to be thoughtful and gracious to others in our homes, places of work or education and beyond.

The main way this can be done is through how we engage in conversation with others. For at heart we are social creatures. From the time of our birth we are highly dependent on others, firstly for nurturing and later for other needs such as friendship and love. All of our lives we have a great need for each other, to be seen by others and to find one another.

Perhaps it helps to be more aware that:

“Human existence takes place in the relational space of conversation. This means that, even though from a biological perspective we are Homo sapiens, our way of living – that is to say, our human condition – takes place in our form of relating to each other and the world we bring forth in our daily living through conversation.”
Humberto Maturana

and that:

Conversations are not just something we do among other doings, they are our human niche. We live in a world formed through conversation. Conversations make one world or another; not only in how we relate to each other, but in how the whole lived world arises around us. What we see, feel, do…. all of it arises through conversation.

Unfortunately all of us unknowingly develop patterns in our conversations, for example, only half listening (listening is a skill which needs to be practiced regularly) and interrupting others. These limit our experience and who we imagine ourselves and others to be.

Our ‘unexamined’ patterns also constrict our beliefs about our choices and possibilities for what we can and cannot do, to whom we can and cannot relate, and how much passion and desire we do or do not feel.

This happens, for example, through our judging others before we have heard what they can offer and perhaps also through feeling that our opinion would not be valued by other and so not putting it forward.

A starting point for becoming aware of the significance of being able to relate well to people through respectful conversation is to notice who does this and how they do it.

Do they express:

. questions that are sensitive and yet indicate interest in the person?

. curiosity about how others see an issue?

. openness to hearing others’ opinion?

. pleasure in spending even a short time with the person?

. their ideas in a way that empowers the listener?

When you notice such behaviours you may come to appreciate that conversation is much more than ‘just idle chat’? And that the quality of life can change greatly when you place value on making time to relate well to other people – and to yourself.

Is it time to recognise that the real joy of living is acting in ways that contribute to the quality of our joint humanness through owning that we are actually Homo sapiens-amans (Latin for ‘loving’)?

The new 4th edition of my book Time to converse – at the heart of human warmth is an elaboration of these matters.

Looking forward

Go well

Alan

Alan Stewart, PhD
Adelaide

“If there’s dancing count me in.”